-24 November, 2019-

One, blue. Two, brown. Three, orange. Mini m&m’s, rolling out onto my hand. All gone now. I’m restless. It’s all graying skies and listless fog, woeful birdsong and pattering rain. I roll off the bed into a heap on the floor. Don’t want to move. Can’t make myself look around and remember. I can’t see everything here, every moment etched in the walls, every love song floating in the air, so sweet they’d give you cavities. Against my will, the tear slips out. One, then another, eleven in total before I make myself stop. Look at me! Half under my bed in the same clothes I’ve slept in the last three days, counting my tears. So pathetic. I am a fool.

-25 November, 2019-

I slept through my fourth alarm. Yay. Missed my job interview, the one I needed, the one I practically begged to get. Can’t you see it? Me, surrounded by musty books and mismatched antique salt shakers. Oh well, I’ll just sit here in this bed that’s too big, in this apartment that’s too cold, with my fish tank that’s too empty. Just another thing lost. Another thing I couldn’t keep. I settled back down into the nest I’ve made, the smell of him and all he was still clinging to the sheets. I can’t seem to wash them enough. Or maybe it’s that I don’t wash them, because I can’t, because secretly I still lay there and bask in this soul-sucking scent. Inhale, exhale, pain, repeat.

-27 November, 2019-

I didn’t write yesterday. The flashbacks started when I tried to take Mickey on a walk, when we passed the tree, where the initials are still carved. I turned straight around and came home, and I couldn’t do anything but lay on the rug in my room, shell-shocked. It went like this:

I was lonely, so after a phone call, a pizza order, and thirty minutes, there he was. We got out the little movie player, snuggled deep in the blankets, and started our movie. He giggled like a little girl at all the funny parts, even after we watched it three times in a row. I am his Beans and he is my Rango. He brought me back from losing myself, just as Rango brought back the water.

Eventually, I began to drift off to sleep, him holding me close. When I’d jerk awake, his warmth lulled me into safety, his heartbeat my rhythm. He stayed and held me all night, barely sleeping a wink. Since then, I couldn’t fall asleep without him. Until now. Now, it’s cold. Now, I broke the DVD. Now, all I do is fall into a dull, heavy, nightmarish sleep, and I wake everyday to my head full of mud and my heart full of lead.

-29 November, 2019-

Have you ever been driving in the snow, going around a corner, and fishtailed? The weightless panic that floods you for however brief a time, adrift. You can feel yourself losing control, and there’s nothing you can do but slide farther.

-30 November, 2019-

I woke up to something crushing my chest. It was Mickey, my 130 pound rottweiler. As soon as he realized I was awake, he licked my whole face. I smiled, which I haven’t done in a long time. As I was meandering down the street with him after breakfast, I felt light. I haven’t felt like that for a month. Looking at him, sniffing through someone’s flowerpot and straining against the leash when other dogs walked by, I realized how carefree he was. Even if he didn’t get a treat every time he sat, even if he didn’t get to play as much as he wanted, he was still happy. He still found joy in dirt and leaves. Still yipped like a puppy at the sight of a bird. Dogs are like that, zealous about living and excited at the prospect of tomorrow. I need to be more like Mickey. I can be. I will be.

-31 November, 2019-

It’s 11:38 p.m., Mickey’s asleep on the couch, and I’d say today was… okay. I awoke to shredded dog toys all over the floor, making it apparent that Mickey had a productive night. Then, on my way to Denny’s, my check engine light came on. I ignored it. As I drank my coffee and snacked on my pancakes, my mind wandered to him, as usual.

I remember in crisp detail his features. Bathed in golden light, freckles dancing on his cheeks, dimples dipping at the corners of his beautiful smile. Auburn curls, soft as feathers through my fingers, and those pools of silky honey for eyes… Everything about him dazzled me. I was starstruck. In love.

-29 December, 2019-

Everything has downfalls. Sunlight shines, but burns. Snow glitters, but freezes. Lead protects, but poisons. The list could go on. Love, though. A whole different monster. Love blossoms. It creates, grows, changes, fascinates, deepens. But it also destroys, disappears, kills. Love heals, but love hurts. It’s a challenge almost everyone faces, learning to rebuild yourself and forgive. For me personally, it may take months to forgive. I’ll never forget, and there will be bad days. But I have friends and family that love me, a dog with boundless lust for life, and myself, who I know can be strong. I was broken. Didn’t want to think or breathe. Now, I’m patching myself up, bit by bit. My journey won’t end here.

Just trying to get some of my writing out there somewhere, I'm a theatre kid, I show animals, and I have a hidden love for writing. Enjoy!